Planning a Funeral

Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking: today I'm going to plan a funeral. Yet the moment comes when you're faced with it. Sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes after a long period of illness. In both cases, it's good to know where you stand and which decisions need to be made.

Arranging a funeral quickly feels overwhelming. There are more decisions involved than you'd think beforehand, and that while your head isn't really in the right place for it. This guide walks through the entire process step by step, so you know what's coming and how to handle it.

What needs to happen in the first hours

As soon as someone has passed away, a few things come at you straight away. The most important is that a doctor establishes the death and issues a death certificate. In the case of an expected death at home, the family doctor usually does this. In the case of an unexpected death, the municipal coroner is called in.

After that, you call a funeral director. This can be a company of your choosing, even if the deceased had a funeral insurance policy. Many people don't know that with most insurance policies, you're not obligated to use a specific funeral director. So always check the policy terms.

From that moment on, the funeral director takes over many practical matters: caring for and laying out the deceased, arranging the necessary documents and liaising with the municipality for the death registration.

Practical tips for the first hours:

• Find the deceased's identity document straight away, as it's needed for the death registration.
• Check whether there's a statement of wishes or funeral policy in the house. Common places: a folder with important papers, a safe or with the notary.
• Make a list of people you want to inform first. Divide the calling with other family members so you don't have to do everything yourself.
• Don't take any of the deceased's belongings from a property just yet. That can come later, and it prevents disagreements between family members.

Burial or cremation: making the choice

One of the first major decisions is whether the deceased will be buried or cremated. Sometimes the deceased has recorded this in a statement of wishes or will. If that's not the case, it's up to the surviving relatives to come to an agreement together.

With a burial, you choose a cemetery and a grave type. Think of a single grave, a double grave or a family grave. The costs vary considerably between municipalities and cemeteries. An own grave isn't actually purchased: you buy the right to use the grave for a specific period, usually twenty to thirty years. After that, it can be extended.

With a cremation, the ceremony takes place in a crematorium, after which the ashes are interred, scattered or given to the surviving relatives. Since 1998, ashes in the Netherlands may be scattered in many places, provided it doesn't cause nuisance.

Practical tips for this choice:

• Always request a quote from multiple cemeteries or crematoria. The differences can amount to hundreds of euros.
• Take the location into account. A cemetery close to home makes visiting easier in the long run.
• Discuss wishes with your own loved ones in good time. It saves surviving relatives an enormous amount of doubt if they know what you would want.

The funeral service: from format to music

The funeral service is the moment when you stand still together to reflect on the life of the deceased. You have a lot of freedom in how you shape this, and that's sometimes precisely what makes it difficult. There are no rules dictating what a funeral should look like.

The location is the first thing to determine. That can be a ceremony hall at the crematorium or cemetery, but also a church, a village hall, a hospitality venue or even your own garden. The choice depends on the expected number of guests, the atmosphere you want to create and the available budget.

Then the content itself. Who will speak? Is there music, and if so: live or recorded? Will there be screens with photos? Will a ritual be performed, religious or not? Some families opt for a traditional service with speeches, others for an informal gathering with stories and anecdotes. There is no right or wrong.

Practical tips for the funeral service:

• Limit the number of speakers to three or four. A shorter, powerful service often makes more of an impression than a long ceremony.
• Choose music that suits the deceased, not necessarily the occasion. A favourite song is allowed to be cheerful.
• Draw up a timeline and discuss it with the funeral director. They'll keep track of the schedule on the day itself.
• Also think about the practical side: is there sufficient parking, are there toilets, is the venue accessible for less mobile guests?

Costs and financing: what to look out for

A funeral is not cheap. The average costs in the Netherlands are between 7,000 and 10,000 euros, but it can be significantly lower or considerably higher. It depends entirely on the choices you make.

The biggest cost items are typically the grave or cremation, the funeral director, the coffin or casket, the hearse, printing costs for cards and the catering afterwards. With a burial, grave rights and possibly a headstone are added to that.

If the deceased had a funeral insurance policy, it covers part or sometimes all of the costs. Two types exist: an in-kind insurance (where the insurer arranges and pays for the funeral) and a capital insurance (where a fixed amount is paid out). With in-kind insurance, it's important to know that you can also make choices there and don't have to accept everything the insurer suggests.

Didn't the deceased have insurance? Then the costs fall to the surviving relatives. In some cases, the municipality can step in through special financial assistance.

Practical tips regarding costs:

• Always ask the funeral director for an itemised quote. That way you can see exactly where the money goes and where you might be able to save.
• Compare quotes from at least two funeral directors. That's not disrespectful, that's sensible.
• Check whether the deceased was a member of a funeral association. They sometimes offer services at a lower price than commercial directors.
• Keep all receipts and invoices. Funeral costs may be deducted from the inheritance.

Practical matters after the funeral

After the funeral, it's not over yet. A whole series of administrative and practical matters comes your way. It helps to make a list of these and work through them step by step, so you don't have to deal with everything at once.

First of all, the death registration at the municipality, if that hasn't happened yet. The funeral director often handles this, but check just to be sure. In addition, various organisations need to be informed: the bank, insurance companies, the tax authorities, the pension fund, the health insurer, the landlord or mortgage provider and any subscriptions.

Then there's the estate. If there's a will, it's opened by the notary. If there's no will, the statutory inheritance law applies. In both cases, it's wise to engage a notary, especially if the situation isn't straightforward (think of stepchildren, debts or a private business). Surviving relatives have three months to accept an inheritance, accept it under benefit of inventory or reject it.

Practical tips for the period afterwards:

• Don't cancel all subscriptions straight away. Some contracts have notice periods or offer a refund.
• Ask the bank for a balance statement as of the date of death. You'll need it for the tax return.
• Create an overview of all current insurance policies, subscriptions and memberships. Work through this in batches rather than all at once.
• Take your time before making big decisions about the deceased's home or possessions. Many people later regret having cleared things out too quickly.

Planning ahead: recording your own wishes

One of the best things you can do for your loved ones is to record your own funeral wishes. That doesn't have to be heavy or dramatic. It's simply a way to relieve your family at a moment when they're already having a hard enough time.

Start with the basic choices: do you want to be buried or cremated? Do you have a preference for a location? Are there specific songs you'd like to have played? Do you want an elaborate service or something small-scale?

Record this in a statement of wishes. That's a document in which you describe your wishes. It's not legally binding like a will, but in practice surviving relatives almost always follow it. Keep it in a place where your loved ones can find it, and tell them it's there.

Additionally, it's smart to think about funeral insurance, especially if you want to protect your loved ones from high costs. There are many different insurance policies on the market, and the premiums and terms vary considerably.

Practical tips for recording your wishes:

• Use a statement of wishes template; these are free to find and download. You don't need a notary for it.
• Discuss your wishes with at least one trusted person and tell them where the document is.
• Review your statement of wishes every few years. Wishes change, and that's perfectly fine.
• Keep a copy digitally and a copy on paper.

In closing

Planning a funeral is one of the hardest things you can do, but it doesn't have to be chaotic or unclear. By knowing which steps there are, which choices you have and what to look out for, you keep a grip on the process. And that provides calm, even in a period when everything feels anything but calm.

The most important thing of all: you don't have to do it alone. Share tasks with family members, engage a good funeral director and dare to ask questions. There are no silly questions when it comes to a funeral.

Want to think ahead about the financial side? Compare funeral insurance policies here and discover which option best suits your situation.