Coping with loss

In 2025, 173,000 people died in the Netherlands (source: CBS, March 2026). Behind every one of those deaths are partners, children, parents, friends and colleagues left behind with sorrow. An estimated 500,000 Dutch people are directly confronted with the loss of a loved one each year (source: Directieve Therapie/Utrecht University).

Grieving is not a problem you solve. It is a process you go through, at your own pace and in your own way. Still, it helps to know what to expect, what support is available and when it makes sense to seek professional help. In this guide you will learn everything about the grieving process, from the first days after a death to the months and years that follow. With concrete guidance, honest information and references to the help that is there for you.

What is grief (and what is it not)?

Grief is the natural response to loss. It goes beyond sadness alone: grief affects your emotions, your body, your thoughts and your daily life. Most people associate grief with the death of a loved one, but you can also grieve the end of a relationship, the loss of your health, a job that disappears or letting go of a dream for the future.

Grief is not an illness

Grief is not a condition that needs to be treated. It is a healthy, human response. Approximately 60% of bereaved people process the loss on their own, with or without support from family and friends (source: Uitvaart.nl, based on grief research). That does not mean it is easy or passes quickly, but it does mean that most people eventually find a way to live with the loss.

Types of grief

Grief comes in different forms. Anticipatory grief arises before the actual death, for example during a prolonged illness. Delayed grief surfaces only weeks or months later, sometimes triggered by a seemingly insignificant event. And with ambiguous grief (ambiguous loss) there is no death involved; it concerns losses such as dementia in a partner: the person is still physically present, but psychologically no longer there.

Want to know how to prepare for the death of a loved one, including when the farewell is expected? Read the guide Planning a funeral.

Tip: There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. If someone tells you that you are grieving "too long" or "too little", that says more about their discomfort than about your process.

The grieving process: how sorrow develops

You may have heard of "the five stages of grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), based on the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While those stages can be recognisable, scientific research shows that grief in practice is far more erratic. There is no fixed sequence and no fixed timeline.

The dual process model

The most widely used scientific model today is the dual process model by Stroebe and Schut (Utrecht University). This model describes how grieving people oscillate between two types of tasks:

The point is not that you are "done" with grieving. You learn to live with the loss, with periods of intense sorrow alternating with moments when you can focus on daily life again. That alternation is healthy and normal.

How long does grief last?

There is no time limit on grief. The most intense period often lasts several weeks to months. For many people, the most intense emotions diminish after six months to a year, but that is not a fixed rule. The loss of a child, a partner or someone through violent circumstances can lead to a longer and more intense grieving process. Certain moments (birthdays, holidays, the first spring without your loved one) can make the sorrow sharp again, even years later. That is not a relapse, but a normal part of grief.

Scenario: Marian (62) lost her husband two years ago. The first months were a blur. After a year she thought the worst was behind her. But as their wedding anniversary approached, the sorrow hit again. Only after conversations with a fellow bereaved person did she understand that this was normal, and did not mean she was "going backwards".

Are you about to organise a funeral? The preparation check helps you keep the first steps manageable.

Emotional and physical symptoms of grief

Grief is not just an emotional experience. Your entire body responds to the loss. Below you will find an overview of common reactions.

Emotional reactions

Sadness and crying are the most recognisable reactions, but grief can also manifest as anger (at the deceased, at doctors, at fate), guilt ("If only I had..."), fear and uncertainty about the future, relief (especially after a long illness, and that is no reason for shame), numbness or emotional blunting, and loneliness, even in company.

Physical symptoms

Many bereaved people experience physical symptoms that they do not immediately link to grief. Fatigue and exhaustion are very common, as are sleep problems (too much or too little sleep), concentration difficulties, headaches, muscle tension, changes in appetite and a weakened immune system, making you more susceptible to infections.

Cognitive effects

You may notice that you are more forgetful, have difficulty making decisions or feel as though you are living in a fog. This "grief fog" is a well-known experience and usually fades gradually.

Tip: Physical symptoms during grief deserve attention. Visit your GP if symptoms persist for a long time, not because grief is an illness, but because your body is extra vulnerable during this period.

Settling the estate can be an enormous burden on top of the sorrow. In the guide Settling an estate you will find a clear step-by-step plan.

Seeking and finding support after a loss

Not everyone needs the same thing after a loss. One person wants to talk, another seeks distraction. Both reactions are normal. Yet research shows that social support is one of the strongest protective factors against getting stuck in your grieving process.

Support from your immediate circle

Family and friends are the first source of comfort for most bereaved people. At the same time, grief can put pressure on relationships. Partners often grieve in different ways about the same loss, which can lead to frustration or misunderstanding. What helps: tell people specifically what you need. People around you often want to help, but do not know how.

Peer support

Contact with people who have experienced a similar loss can be enormously comforting. Organisations such as Slachtofferhulp Nederland (Victim Support Netherlands), the Landelijk Steunpunt Verlies (National Bereavement Centre) and various online communities offer opportunities for peer support. There are specific groups for parents who have lost a child, bereaved after suicide, partners who have lost a spouse and bereaved after a crime.

Professional help

For persistent symptoms, it may be wise to contact your GP. They can refer you to a grief therapist, psychologist or social worker. Since prolonged grief disorder was recognised in the DSM-5-TR in 2022, grief-focused treatments are in principle covered by health insurance (source: Fonds Slachtofferhulp).

Scenario: Frank (45) lost his mother and simultaneously had to deal with her digital accounts, subscriptions and online affairs. It took him weeks and confronted him with the loss over and over again. With the help of the Digital legacy guide, he was able to work through it in a structured way.

Tip: The Rouwmeter (Grief Meter) from Fonds Slachtofferhulp is a free, scientifically validated self-test that helps you assess whether your grief symptoms warrant extra attention. You can find the test at rouwbehandeling.nl.

Grief and work: your rights and options

The loss of a loved one does not stop at the front door of your workplace. Yet in the Netherlands there is still no statutory right to bereavement leave. Below you can see what is currently in place.

A legislative proposal has been submitted to the Dutch House of Representatives (submitted July 2024) that would give employees with minor children the right to five paid bereavement leave days after the death of a partner or child (source: SD Worx, 2025). The proposal has not yet been adopted and no definitive effective date has been announced.

What if you have no bereavement leave?

In practice, many grieving employees report sick, with all its consequences. Reporting sick due to grief is not inherently wrong (grief can indeed lead to real health problems), but it can also lead to a longer absence and a more difficult return.

Talk to your manager about what you need. That might be a temporary adjustment of your working hours, working from home, or a gradual build-up. A good employer understands that a few days of space now can prevent a prolonged sick leave later.

Are you dealing with the financial side of a death? The cost calculator helps you quickly gain an overview of funeral costs.

Tip: Check your collective labour agreement or employment conditions for provisions around special leave upon death. In many cases, there is more in there than you think.

Grief in children and young people

Children grieve differently from adults, but they most certainly do grieve. How a child reacts to loss depends strongly on age and developmental level.

By age group

Children up to about four years old do not yet understand the permanent nature of death. They may become restless, sleep worse or demand more attention. Children between four and eight begin to understand that death is irreversible, but sometimes think they are to blame. Honest and concrete language helps: say "grandma has died" rather than "grandma has fallen asleep" (which can cause fear of sleeping). Children between eight and twelve understand death the way adults do, but lack the emotional skills to deal with it. They may withdraw, become angry or appear excessively cheerful. Teenagers (13-18 years) often grieve intensely but do not always show it to adults. They seek support from peers and may display risky behaviour as a way of coping with the sorrow.

What helps?

Honesty is crucial. Children sense when something is being concealed, and their imagination is often worse than reality. Give them space to ask questions, even when those questions are uncomfortable. Rituals help: drawing a picture for grandad, lighting a candle, visiting the grave together. Maintain the daily structure as much as possible, because routine provides safety.

Scenario: Nine-year-old Sem lost his father. At school he did not want to talk about it, but at home he had nightmares. His mother contacted the school and together they decided that Sem could talk to the school counsellor once a week. Within a few months, his anxiety decreased.

Are you dealing with the death of a parent or partner and are there minor children involved? A will and a living will are then especially relevant.

Tip: Schools are not legally required to offer grief support, but many schools do have policies for this. Contact the school counsellor or care coordinator.

When does grief become a disorder?

For the vast majority of bereaved people, the grieving process runs its natural course, even though it is hard. But for a small proportion of people, the grieving process gets stuck. Since 2022 the DSM-5-TR recognises prolonged grief disorder as an official mental health condition (source: DSM-5-TR, American Psychiatric Association, 2022).

How common is it?

An estimated 5 to 10% of bereaved people develop prolonged grief disorder (source: Hulpgids.nl, based on international research). With 173,000 deaths per year in the Netherlands (CBS, 2025) and multiple bereaved per deceased, this amounts to tens of thousands of people each year. After a traumatic loss (suicide, violence, accident) this percentage is significantly higher: up to nearly 49% (source: Bright Elephant, based on Hilberdink et al., 2023).

Signs that grief is getting stuck

There are signals that may indicate the grieving process is getting stuck. After twelve months (six months for children), the following symptoms are reason to seek professional help: a persistent, tormenting longing for the deceased that does not diminish, the inability to accept the loss, severe limitations in daily functioning (work, household, social contacts), the feeling that a part of yourself has died, and avoidance of everything that reminds you of the deceased, or conversely an obsessive focus on memories.

Treatment works

Grief-focused therapy (such as Complicated Grief Therapy or EMDR) has been proven more effective than treatment focused solely on depression or PTSD symptoms (source: Fonds Slachtofferhulp). Since its recognition as an official diagnosis, these treatments are covered by health insurance. Your GP can refer you.

With the preparation check you can verify whether you have your end-of-life affairs in order, so that your loved ones are burdened as little as possible.

Tip: Are you unsure whether your grief is "normal"? Do not settle for uncertainty. A GP or the free Rouwmeter (Grief Meter) at rouwbehandeling.nl can help you assess it.

Practical matters to arrange after a death

In addition to the emotional loss, a mountain of practical matters lands on your plate after a death. Dealing with them costs energy you do not really have, but it can also provide a sense of structure during a chaotic period.

The first days

Immediately after the death you need to arrange a number of things: have a doctor come for the death certificate, engage a funeral director, inform employers and authorities and prepare the funeral. The average cost of a funeral is around €7,500 (source: Nibud), but more recent estimates show that many funerals run towards €10,000 or more (source: Financieel Werk, 2025). A funeral insurance policy can cover a large part of these costs.

The weeks and months after

After the funeral, the administrative and legal matters follow: settling the inheritance, adjusting bank accounts, cancelling subscriptions, arranging the rent or mortgage and possibly filing the tax return of the deceased. The guide Settling an estate walks you through this process step by step. Do not forget the digital legacy either: social media accounts, email accounts, cloud storage and online subscriptions all need to be dealt with.

Financial overview

Source: Nibud Price Guide 2025; amounts are indicative and vary by municipality and provider.

Want to know what a funeral would cost in your situation? Use the cost calculator for a personal overview. You can also compare funeral insurance policies side by side: view the options from DELA, a.s.r. or Monuta.

Tip: Keep all receipts and invoices related to the death. These costs are sometimes tax-deductible or can be offset against the estate.

Conclusion

Coping with loss is one of the hardest things you will experience in your life. There is no shortcut through the sorrow, but there is support, information and help available. Most people find, at their own pace, a way to live with the loss. If that does not work out, professional help is closer than you think.

Want to make sure your own wishes are properly arranged, so that your loved ones are not left with unnecessary questions? Take the preparation check or compare funeral insurance policies to see which options suit you.